Panic (The Flaw Series) Read online

  This is my first time seeing her apartment, although she’s lived here over two years now. She moved in right after her father announced he was getting remarried. Robin’s mother passed away when she was thirteen. Even though that was quite some time ago, I know how hard it was for her when her father sat her down and told her there was someone he wanted her to meet. Robin has said that his new wife, Linda, is a sweetheart, but that didn’t make it any easier.

  The living area is small and a bit stark. Robin’s never been one for trinkets and clutter. I survey the bare room, couch, table, lamp, and a television that is not a flat screen, it’s the big bulky kind they stopped making. All very Robin. All very low key.

  “I’ll need a minute to go make myself look presentable. I definitely was not expecting company tonight,” Robin says, playing nervously with a strand of her short hair. She slides the bolt in place on the front door and leaves me alone while she dashes off to a back room.

  Casually, I give the place another glance, looking for any signs of a boyfriend or a guy who may be spending a lot of time here. Nothing suspicious catches my eye so far. That’s a great thing. On the drive over I kept praying she’d be alone when I arrived. I’m not sure what I’d have done if she hadn’t been. I’m thankful I didn’t have to find out.

  The refrigerator in her kitchen is her one place of organized clutter. It’s filled with magnets from all the different states. Her dad’s a trucker and has been bringing them home to her for years. He had started this tradition with Robin’s mom when they were first married and he’d come home from a long haul. Robin adores this tacky collection. She and her father have continued the tradition over the years. Now her fridge is so filled you can hardly make out the color of the doors.

  Amidst all the magnets there’s a picture of us, a picture from high school when we dated. We took it of ourselves. I don’t know that we have any other kind. I sucked as her boyfriend back then. I loved her with my whole heart, but I let another part of my body take charge.

  Robin grew up in the house right across from mine, so I literally fell in love with the ‘girl next door’ at a young age. We spent our senior year in high school discovering and exploring the love that had been building between us for years, only I let my raging hormones get the best of me. Although, I wasn’t the only who was guilty of that. Robin did have her aggressive moments. It was just when the time came for us to step back and cool down, Robin was able to and I wasn’t. She broke it off, left me crushed. It did get a little ugly and it was when we were finally able to get back on track that she left; moved two hours away. I was crushed. It was like I lost her all over again.

  As I remove the magnet from the picture for a closer look, another piece of paper hidden underneath glides down to the floor. Bending over, I pick up the postcard from my band’s first night playing at the bar, Twisted. It’s flimsy white cardstock with Krypton’s Destruction, the band’s name, printed in bold lettering. I made them up myself on the computer and the effect is very cheap and amateur looking.

  Robin’s footsteps trail up behind me. I put the picture and postcard back in place on her fridge. “I can’t believe you saved the card from our first performance,” I say, twisting back to face her.

  “Of course I saved it. That was a special night.”

  “Special?” I raise my eyebrows, recalling the disaster that took place between us after the show.

  “The show was very special.” She drops her head to hide the red spreading across her fair skin. I need to look away from the pink on her cheeks before giving in to the desire to reach out and slide my fingers over her warm skin pulling her into me.

  She grabs two bottles of water from the fridge and leads me into the living room, taking a seat on her couch. We sit sideways, facing each other, and she hands me one of the bottles.

  “I’m sorry about what happened the last time we saw each other.” Immediately I start making excuses for the awful night we shared. “I was pumped from the show. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wanted it to be perfect for us, but everything kept getting all screwed up.”

  “No, let’s not even talk about it.” Her face still flushed, she shakes her head, zeroing in on her bare wall instead of me.

  “We have to talk about it, so let’s just do this and get it over with.”

  “It was bad timing,” she says. “And because of that, the night was just… bad. That’s all.”

  “I didn’t think it was so bad that we would stop talking. I called you for a long time after that,” I say, trying to understand what made her give up on me. What was it that I did to make her shut me out for so long?

  “I know and I’m sorry I never picked up or called you back.” She slouches on the couch and the shy, timid girl she used to be when we were younger resurfaces. Her shoulders rise up in little shrugs and she continues avoiding eye contact with me. “It was just that when we saw each other, I had some stuff that I was dealing with.”

  “What kind of stuff?” I ask. The way she’s not looking at me, her closed body language, this wasn’t what I was expecting. Something isn’t right.

  “Just stuff, and I knew it wasn’t a good time for us to be starting up again.”

  “Can you please be more specific with me? Because not only did we not start up again, you ended things. You cut me off completely. What things were you dealing with?” My body tenses up, I know Robin well enough to know we’re not talking about something small here.

  “Kent, let’s not start off this way. I don’t want to talk about me. Tell me about you, how’s the band?”

  “Robin, what are you not telling me?” What the hell is she hiding? I search her face for an answer.

  “Geez, Kent,” She turns her head away from me, slamming her unopened bottle of water down on the end table. “You come here unannounced and now you’re just going to stroll in and demand I tell you everything about my life in the first five minutes you’re here. That’s not how it works.”

  “Okay.” I take a deep breath. “I haven’t seen or heard from you in over a year. Tell me how it works, when do I get to find out the real reason why you stopped talking to me? After we sit here and bullshit for ten minutes? Twenty? I’m not here because of some asinine wedding response. I’m here because I love you and I miss you. A year ago I believed we were gonna be starting over and instead it was the complete opposite. I want to know what the hell happened that made you forget about me.”

  “I didn’t forget about you.” Both of her hands tug nervously at her collar. Her hand slips into her shirt and she scratches absently at her shoulder. “I never forgot about you, Kent.” Her eyes close.

  “Then what happened? I want to know, Robin. Tell me what I did wrong?”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.” She picks nervously at a loose thread on her shirt while my eyes stay locked on her, waiting. “Listen, if I tell you, you have to promise me you won’t freak out and make a big deal about it, please.”

  I grunt out a response, sliding to the end of the couch, my elbows resting on jittery knees.

  “I was sick for a little while, but now I’m fine. That’s all,” she says.

  “You were sick? What kind of sick?”

  “Just sick and now I’m not. Okay?” She shrugs one shoulder and gives me a flimsy smile.

  I study her face. Sick? What does she mean? How sick could she have been, it’s been over a year? It hits me and the contents of my stomach rise. “Oh, God,” I gulp loudly. “Robin, please don’t tell me…”

  She leans over, covering my mouth with both of her hands to stop me from talking. “It’s different, they caught mine in time. With my mom when they found it, it was too late. But with me, they caught it right away and I’m telling you I’m okay.”

  Way too many emotions start swirling through me all at once. I get up from the couch and walk across the room, working out some of the frustrations I’m fighting hard to keep in control. I want to pull her into my arms and hold her, protect her. I want to shake he
r and scream for not telling me. I… I could have lost her forever.

  “How could you not have told me?” I struggle to say the words evenly.

  “I didn’t want you to worry,” she says. “You had so much going on with your band starting and school and your family. I didn’t want you turning your back on those things because of me. I was fine. I had my dad and his wife, Linda. Plus, like I said, I’m okay.”

  “How could your dad not have called me?” I swallow down the anger building. I try and relax the fists that are balling up at my sides. How could her father not have contacted me or anyone else in my family? We should have been called and been there to support her.

  “He wanted to. I begged him not to.”

  I fall back onto one of her chairs and slide my hands over my face. She cut me out of her life because she was sick. I went a year believing she wasn’t talking to me over an awkward night of sex gone wrong. My heart splits in half, knowing someone I’ve loved for so long went through something like that and I didn’t even know it. I wasn’t even there for her.

  “And what about now? You say you’re okay, but are you still going to the doctor, making sure everything stays okay?”

  “Yes, I have regular checkups. Like I said, they caught it early. They ran tests, I carry the gene. I was able to do things to try and help prevent the cancer from returning. The doctors say I’m great. You don’t need to worry. I’m okay, now. I swear.”

  “Well, I’m not, Robin. I should have been there for you. Fuck school. Fuck the band. I should have been here. When you wouldn’t talk to me, I should have come here looking for you. I was so stupid.” I’m back up, pacing the floor, running my hand anxiously through my long hair. She sits back, woeful eyes watching me wear down the carpeting in her living room with my endless strides while I think through what to do next. “I’m going to be here for you from now on. When you go to your checkups, I’ll be there. If you need me for anything, I’ll be there.”

  “You don’t need to be, I’m fine. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what was going on, but I didn’t want you giving up on all the good things going on in your life because of me. And I knew you would.”

  The emotion is still tearing up my insides, causing me to tremble. I sit back down on the couch next to her, scooping her into my arms. “Yes, I would have, Robin. I would have dropped everything and been at your side. I love you, I always have. I always will.” I pull her in just a little bit tighter.

  “Kent, I didn’t want to drag you into all that with me. It didn’t seem fair to pull you away from your life.”

  “Believe me, Robin, if I had known,” my voice breaks. I can’t let go of her. We lean back on her couch and she rests against my chest while I stroke her hair.

  “I know. I’m sorry but I just couldn’t tell you,” she says softly, placing a small kiss on my cheek. Her lips land a second time, skimming close to my upper lip and I turn my head to receive the kiss I’m aching for. She pushes against my shoulders trying to resist. “No, Kent, don’t.”

  I firmly cup her cheeks with my hands. She weakens, going limp in my arms. The struggle relents and the familiar lips slowly part, letting me back in.

  Instantly, the internal spinning stops, the piece of me that’s been missing for so long finally feels back in place. My fingertips feel the warmth of her skin heating up. Our kiss deepens and I slide a hand up into her hair. Robin’s hands flatten against my chest and she pulls away, out of breath.

  “No. This is exactly why I didn’t want to see you.” She draws in a deep breath. “I knew this would happen again.”

  “And you don’t want this?” I look down at her, my own breath panting out. The emotion of that kiss was not one-sided. I felt it. It confirms what I already knew. We belong together, we both know it.

  “Kent, I’m not the right girl for you anymore. You shouldn’t have come here.” Her voice trembles angrily.

  “Why would you say that? You are definitely the right girl for me. Why are you pushing me away again?” I’m dumfounded. Is this because she was sick? Is she lying to me about being okay now?

  “You have big dreams and if we’re together I’ll hold you back from those dreams.”

  “Robin, what are you talking about?”

  “Your dreams, you need to reach for them. You can’t do that with a girl like me.”

  “Robin, look at me, at the top of the list of my dreams is you. It’s always been you.” I place my hands back on her cheeks, lifting her face up to meet my eyes. “If I have you, I have everything.”

  I expect to see happiness, excitement, love… but all I see is panic. She pulls away from me and flees from the couch. I try to catch her but she slips from my grasp, vanishing into the bathroom and clicks the door locked.

  On the other side of the door I hear the sobs she tries to muffle. What’s happening? How did I not come here sooner? I should have known something wasn’t right. What the fuck is wrong with me? Never again. Never again will this girl get away from me.

  “Robin,” I lean my head on the door, shutting my eyes. “I love you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you this past year. But I’m here now and I promise you, I’m not going anywhere.”

  Chapter Three

  Robin

  Reaching into the shower, I turn the faucet on and let the hot water warm up. The fog on the mirror forms and without even realizing what I’m doing, my finger traces a heart into the steamy surface. It’s an automatic response the silly way my heart beats when I’m thinking about Kent.

  Kent stayed that entire night. He waited outside the bathroom while I cried. I didn’t want to face him, afraid to tell him the whole truth about the changes that occurred in me this past year. I kept trying to convince him to walk away. He insisted he’s never letting me go again. When I finally came out and he held me in his arms that night, it felt so good. Secure. Something I haven’t felt in a really long time.

  I still didn’t tell him everything. I can’t just yet. I’m being selfish, and greedy, allowing myself to have some time with him before dropping the full bomb of my defectiveness. The doctors have given me an overwhelmingly positive prognosis, but that doesn’t change what I had to give up in order to get there.

  Kent looks hotter than ever, muscular arms covered in tattoos and the massive chest he held me against was rock solid. His hair, oh God, I’ve always loved the long way he wore it sweeping over his inviting brown eyes, and now it’s even longer. He’s different from the boy I fell in love with, he’s grown into a man. And a smoking hot one, none-the-less.

  For the first time in quite a while, some dirty thoughts start to set in as the warm water splashes down over me. I take a minute to remember our first time having sex. A minute just about covers the whole experience. A giggle escapes and I actually begin to feel my body getting tingly from the memories of the many nights he would sneak across the street to my house. We used to stay awake half the night, figuring out new ways to touch each other. We were young. There was a lot of trial and error until we got it right.

  My soapy hands run down over my chest and to my surprise, the washing starts to become a little too thorough. Something I don’t normally do. Have never done, actually. The thoughts of Kent just cause parts of me to react. Awaking an ache I haven’t felt in a long time. I squeeze out the washcloth and absently let it trail down my stomach toward the desire pooling below. Okay, that’s enough of that. Turning the hot water to cold, I give myself a cool splash of reality. I have to be at work in thirty minutes and if I don’t hurry up, I’ll be late.

  With the first sip from my travel mug, the hot coffee burns my tongue. I don’t even mind, I keep singing right along to my favorite song on the radio. I haven’t worked at the radiology group very long, only about two months. I only began looking for jobs once the doctor gave me the okay to get back into a normal routine. Thankfully it didn’t take too long to find a job. For now, I’m just working part-time at Cherry Wood Radiology, building up experience on the different ki
nds of equipment. My fingers are crossed that a full-time position will open up soon. My father’s health benefits won’t cover me for that much longer. Benefits are something I can’t afford to lose.

  My early morning shift is spent in a little room behind a glass window, scanning images of body parts for four hours straight.

  Jamie, the tech assistant, stands in the doorway wearing her cute lavender scrubs with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. “The patient is claustro. He doesn’t want to go in,” she says with an eye roll.

  “It’s okay, I got it.” I have a little more patience with claustrophobic people then Jamie does. The tight space, the loud banging noises, not knowing what they’ll find… it can be terrifying. I know from first-hand experience.

  Once the patient’s nerves are calmed, I get him re-positioned, push the lever, and send him into the machine. His fingers wrap around the emergency call button, ready just in case. I exit the room, locking the door, and plop down, ready to start the scan.

  “First picture, try not to move,” I say into the little microphone that leads into a speaker in the machine. The first images are done. Leaning forward, I smile while speaking, encouraging the patient. “You’re doing great. Just a few more and you’ll be all done.”

  “Okay, what’s up with you?” Jamie asks, eyeing me suspiciously. “You’re extremely happy today. Did you get laid or something?”

  “No. I’m just in a good mood.” I can’t help but smile.

  “Oh, yeah? Why are you in such a good mood? Tell me, I could use a good story.”

  I’m kind of dying to talk about it. Lord knows, I listen to enough of Jamie’s stories. Sharing a little story of my own might not hurt.

  “An old friend came to visit me. I guess that’s why I’m so happy.” I keep my eyes on the screen. “He’s coming back to see me again and we’re going to his brother’s wedding together.”

  Kent wore me down and I finally said yes. He made me realize I really can’t say no. I mean, it’s Patrick and Ashley. How can I not go?